Hey there, little one. Yes, you. You with your chubby little toes and long curly auburn hair. The little being who was filled with so many dreams and aspirations for a beautiful, bright future. With visions filled with endless possibilities. Possibilities as infinite as the deep, blue magnetic sea you grew up looking out to as a little girl in Hawaii. I see you, and this that I am writing is for you. I owe you an apology. If I scribble outside of the lines and go too far, I have learned that it’s okay. Life isn’t supposed to be perfect; more importantly, we are not supposed to be.
While navigating this journey, somehow, I left you, that confident little girl with all her hopes and desires behind. It did not happen overnight. It happened insidiously over time. So insidious I could not see it. Instead of nourishing the big dreams and aspirations that came from your bold and creative mind, life happened, and fear began to set in. Instead of validating you from within and conquering those fears, I sought refuge outside myself in various toxic patterns, relationships, habits, and behaviors. I chose dark vessels to lean on through rocky waters instead of anchoring and trusting myself. That deep blue magnetic sea of endless possibilities slowly became small and trite, and I began to drown bit by bit through each trauma I incurred in life. A life jacket was needed for security instead of relying on myself to swim through those rocky waters. My needing that jacket to lean on changed the trajectory of my life.
I apologize to that confident little girl who once knew how to swim without a life vest—the one who was a born leader and beat to the sound of her own drum. I am sorry that I allowed her to settle into situations that were not good for her out of fear of not being able to handle life with all of its intricacies, on her own. I’m sorry for not believing in her strength.
I’m sorry for holding on so tight, trying to control my surroundings for fear of drowning in the uncertainty of the life I had created for myself. For not recognizing that letting go was the most significant gift I could have given myself rather than settling for a life of false security. I knew better deep down and did not listen to my intuition. I let go of my independent nature in return for what I thought would be a life of ease and safety. I was so incredibly wrong. It came at such a high price. As I relinquished my independence over to another, I gradually lost the fire in my spirit and zest for life. Codependency became my ultimate life jacket while I slowly lost all confidence in myself. I allowed another to become the source of my everything while abandoning myself and my self-worth. I not only sacrificed my authenticity trying to get people who were only invested in misunderstanding me to love me but also made choices out of fear, leading me to subjugate myself to a toxic waste zone of lies, infidelity, and deceit. I held on for too long with such a fierce grip while not listening and trusting my gut instincts, telling me something was so deeply wrong. Instead, I repeatedly listened to the crazed projection of another spewing their personal demons out upon me while spiraling out in their diseased mind of addiction. I allowed myself to be gaslit and manipulated while slowly becoming a shell of my former self and lost all dignity needed not just to walk away but to run. I see things clearly now. I am so, so sorry.
Here is my promise to myself moving forward: To never question my intuition again. It is powerful beyond measure and is always on point. I promise to own my inner strength and never seek refuge outside of myself ever again. I promise to start each day with gratitude for the many life lessons that have strengthened me into the woman I am today. I will remind myself daily how deserving I am of an honest, wholesome partner to share my life with, and in the meantime, I can handle whatever comes my way on my own. I have worked hard to reclaim my life, and I promise to never abandon myself again. And if I find myself holding on to someone or something outside of myself in the form of a life jacket, I will gracefully let it go. I can now rest my soul in the knowledge I have gained through these hard life lessons that have taught me to trust myself. I deserve a beautiful, robust and creative life, and I promise to swim deeply in the beautiful sea of life without needing the security of anything or anyone outside myself ever again. I know now that the inner voice is you, little one. And I will always listen.
“You are not a drop in the ocean; you are the entire ocean in a drop.” Rumi